《诚信少年相声》word版 本文关键词：相声，诚信，少年，word
《诚信少年相声》word版 本文简介：诚信少年(相声)甲：（四处张望）呵！那不是李小明吗？人称吹牛大王，我看他今天又会吹些啥？喂！（嘻笑着）听说你选上班委了，在班里什么事都管？乙：（得意地）哦，有时检查一下劳动，有时管一下纪律，剩下嘛……辅导功课。甲：（好奇地）什么？你当班长啦！乙：不，比班长小一点。甲：那你就是学习委员？乙：NO！甲：
《诚信少年相声》word版 本文内容：
诚信少年(相声)
甲：（四处张望）呵！那不是李小明吗？人称吹牛大王，我看他今天又会吹些啥？喂！（嘻笑着）听说你选上班委了，在班里什么事都管？
乙：（得意地）哦，有时检查一下劳动，有时管一下纪律，剩下嘛……辅导功课。
甲：（好奇地）什么？你当班长啦！
乙：不，比班长小一点。
甲：那你就是学习委员？
乙：NO！
甲：纪律委员？
乙：NO！NO！NO！
甲：（疑惑地）那你…….
乙：我就是组长不在时，帮着收本子什么的。
甲：嘿！搞了半天，你什么都不是，那你还管纪律、劳动、学习呀！
乙：我管我自己呗！平时老师不是常要求我们学会自己管好自己吗？所以，我首先要管好自己的纪律、劳动、学习。
甲：哎！（好气又好笑）那是老师让我们提高自觉性，增强自我约束能力！最近怎么没见到你呀，又跑到哪儿牛去了？
乙：（丧气地）嘿！我呀，挨了我爸一顿打！
甲：少见。这回总算说了一句实话。那你说说，你爸为什么打你呀？
乙：那不都是因为期中考试我考砸了嘛！唉！当初真不应该骗我爸爸。
甲：你咋说的？
乙：我回到家时，也想说实话，可一想到我爸爸发火时那恨不得要吃人的样子，心里一发毛，就漏说了两个字。
甲：哪两个字？
乙：我把“倒数第二名”说成“第二名”。
甲：嘿！那你爸当时什么反应呢？
乙：我爸当时那个乐呀！随手就掏给我十元零花钱。
甲：啊，还骗你爸的钱花！怪不得他要发火。
乙：（叹气）唉！不过，这事也怨不得我呀！我爸成天晚上通宵打麻将，我哪有心思学习呀！我写数学作业题，都写错了。
甲：你怎么写的？
乙：一道填空题问：小明养了20条鱼，小刚比小明多养了15条，小刚养了几条？
甲：你咋回答的？
乙：我写了“碰”
甲：我刚想写答案，我爸在屋里大喊一声“碰”，我就写了个“碰”字。
甲：难怪老师说你一窍不通，那你还不赶紧跟你爸说呀！
乙：（手背后，昂头）是呀！我当晚就找我爸谈话了！
甲：（面带笑容，朝向观众）瞧这毛病，又吹上了。
乙：（接着说）我爸深感后悔，决定以后再也不打麻将了。
甲：这就好了！
乙：不过，我也承认不应该撒慌骗人说大话。
甲：是呀！我们应该踏踏实实学习，老老实实做人。
乙：瞧着吧！我早晚会获得一个诚信少年奖给你看。
甲：别又是在吹牛吧！
乙：还能再吹牛！
篇2：奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声
奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声 本文关键词：巴马，单口相声，白宫，晚宴，演讲
奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声 本文简介：奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声自爆齐刘海搞怪照美国总统奥巴马4月27日晚上出席白宫记者协会晚宴，公布自己的齐刘海搞怪照片，爆猛料拿自己开涮。晚宴上，奥巴马公布了一批修改的搞怪图片。图片中，第一夫人米歇尔的齐刘海发型转移到了奥巴马脑门上。奥巴马说，希望在第二届任期中做出改变，提升形象，不知道偷师米
奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声 本文内容：
奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声
自爆齐刘海搞怪照
美国总统奥巴马4月27日晚上出席白宫记者协会晚宴，公布自己的齐刘海搞怪照片，爆猛料拿自己开涮。晚宴上，奥巴马公布了一批修改的搞怪图片。图片中，第一夫人米歇尔的齐刘海发型转移到了奥巴马脑门上。奥巴马说，希望在第二届任期中做出改变，提升形象，不知道偷师米歇尔“换发型”算不算其中之一。奥巴马当晚尺度大开，不断自嘲。此前，他在复活节庆祝活动上，打篮球曾经22投2中，惨不忍睹的命中率是难得的笑料。总统先生也大方的主动提起，博得在场各位一笑。
Remarks
by
The
President
at
The
White
House
Correspondents
Association
Dinner
英语演讲稿：
Washington
Hilton
Hotel,Washington,D.C.
10:14
P.M.
EDT
THE
PRESIDENT:
Thank
you.
(Applause.)
Thank
you,everybody.
(Laughter.)
How
do
you
like
my
new
entrance
music?
(Applause.)
Rush
Limbaugh
warned
you
about
this
--
second
term,baby.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
We
re
changing
things
around
here
a
little
bit.
(Laughter.)
Actually,my
advisors
were
a
little
worried
about
the
new
rap
entrance
music.
(Laughter.)
They
are
a
little
more
traditional.
They
suggested
that
I
should
start
with
some
jokes
at
my
own
expense,just
take
myself
down
a
peg.
I
was
like,guys,after
four
and
a
half
years,how
many
pegs
are
there
left?
(Laughter.)
I
want
to
thank
the
White
House
Correspondents.
Ed,you
re
doing
an
outstanding
job.
We
are
grateful
for
--
(applause)
--
the
great
work
you
ve
done.
To
all
the
dignitaries
who
are
here,everybody
on
the
dais
--
I
especially
want
to
say
thank
you
to
Ray
Odierno,who
does
outstanding
service
on
behalf
of
our
country,and
all
our
men
and
women
in
uniform
every
single
day.
(Applause.)
And
of
course,our
extraordinary
First
Lady,Michelle
Obama.
(Applause.)
Everybody
loves
Michelle.
(Laughter.)
She
s
on
the
cover
of
Vogue,high
poll
numbers.
But
don
t
worry
--
I
recently
got
my
own
magazine
cover.
(Laughter.)
Now,look,I
get
it.
These
days,I
look
in
the
mirror
and
I
have
to
admit,I
m
not
the
strapping
young
Muslim
socialist
that
I
used
to
be.
(Laughter.)
Time
passes.
You
get
a
little
gray.
(Laughter.)
And
yet,even
after
all
this
time,I
still
make
rookie
mistakes.
Like,I
m
out
in
California,we
re
at
a
fundraiser,we
re
having
a
nice
time.
I
happen
to
mention
that
Kamala
Harris
is
the
best-looking
attorney
general
in
the
country.
(Laughter.)
As
you
might
imagine,I
got
trouble
when
I
got
back
home.
(Laughter.)
Who
knew
Eric
Holder
was
so
sensitive?
(Laughter
and
applause.)
And
then
there
s
the
Easter
Egg
Roll,which
is
supposed
to
be
just
a
nice,fun
event
with
the
kids.
I
go
out
on
the
basketball
court,took
22
shots
--
made
two
of
them.
(Laughter.)
That
s
right:
two
hits,20
misses.
The
executives
at
NBC
asked,“What
s
your
secret?”
(Laughter
and
applause.)
So,yes,maybe
I
have
lost
a
step.
But
some
things
are
beyond
my
control.
For
example,this
whole
controversy
about
Jaz-Z
going
to
Cuba
--
it
s
unbelievable.
I
ve
got
99
problems
and
now
Jay-Z
is
one.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
That
s
another
rap
reference,Bill.
(Laughter.)
I
ll
let
you
know.
(Applause.)
Of
course,everybody
has
got
plenty
of
advice.
Maureen
Dowd
said
I
could
solve
all
my
problems
if
I
were
just
more
like
Michael
Douglas
in
“The
American
President.”
(Laughter.)
And
I
know
Michael
is
here
tonight.
Michael,what
s
your
secret,man?
(Laughter.)
Could
it
be
that
you
were
an
actor
in
an
Aaron
Sorkin
liberal
fantasy?
(Laughter.)
Might
that
have
something
to
do
with
it?
(Applause.)
I
don
t
know.
Check
in
with
me.
Maybe
it
s
something
else.
(Laughter.)
Anyway,I
recognize
that
this
job
can
take
a
toll
on
you.
I
understand
--
second
term,you
need
a
burst
of
new
energy,try
some
new
things.
And
my
team
and
I
talked
about
it.
We
were
willing
to
try
anything.
So
we
borrowed
one
of
Michelle
s
tricks.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
I
thought
this
looked
pretty
good,but
no
bounce.
(Laughter.)
I
want
to
give
a
shout-out
to
our
headliner,Conan
O
Brien.
(Applause.)
I
was
just
talking
to
Ed,and
I
understand
that
when
the
Correspondents
Association
was
considering
Conan
for
this
gig,they
were
faced
with
that
age-old
dilemma:
Do
you
offer
it
to
him
now,or
wait
for
five
years
and
then
give
it
to
Jimmy
Fallon?
(Laughter.)
That
was
a
little
harsh.
(Laughter.)
I
love
Conan.
And
of
course,the
White
House
press
corps
is
here.
I
know
CNN
has
taken
some
knocks
lately,but
the
fact
is
I
admire
their
commitment
to
cover
all
sides
of
a
story,just
in
case
one
of
them
happens
to
be
accurate.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
Some
of
my
former
advisors
have
switched
over
to
the
dark
side.
For
example,David
Axelrod
now
works
for
MSNBC,which
is
a
nice
change
of
pace
since
MSNBC
used
to
work
for
David
Axelrod.
(Laughter.)
The
History
Channel
is
not
here.
I
guess
they
were
embarrassed
about
the
whole
Obama-is-a-devil
thing.
(Laughter.)
Of
course,that
never
kept
Fox
News
from
showing
up.
(Laughter.)
They
actually
thought
the
comparison
was
not
fair
--
to
Satan.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
But
the
problem
is,is
that
the
media
landscape
is
changing
so
rapidly.
You
can
t
keep
up
with
it.
I
mean,I
remember
when
BuzzFeed
was
just
something
I
did
in
college
around
2:00
a.m.
(Laughter.)
It
s
true.
(Laughter.)
Recently,though,I
found
a
new
favorite
source
for
political
news
--
these
guys
are
great.
I
think
everybody
here
should
check
it
out,they
tell
it
like
it
is.
It
s
called
whitehouse.gov.
(Laughter.)
I
cannot
get
enough
of
it.
The
fact
is
I
really
do
respect
the
press.
I
recognize
that
the
press
and
I
have
different
jobs
to
do.
My
job
is
to
be
President;
your
job
is
to
keep
me
humble.
Frankly,I
think
I
m
doing
my
job
better.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
But
part
of
the
problem
is
everybody
is
so
cynical.
I
mean,we
re
constantly
feeding
cynicism,suspicion,conspiracies.
You
remember
a
few
months
ago,my
administration
put
out
a
photograph
of
me
going
skeet
shooting
at
Camp
David?
You
remember
that?
And
quite
a
number
of
people
insisted
that
this
had
been
photoshopped.
But
tonight
I
have
something
to
confess:
You
were
right.
Guys,can
we
show
them
the
actual
photo?
(Laughter.)
We
were
just
trying
to
tone
it
down
a
little
bit.
(Laughter.)
That
was
an
awesome
day.
(Laughter.)
There
are
other
new
players
in
the
media
landscape
as
well,like
super
PACs.
Did
you
know
that
Sheldon
Adelson
spent
$100
million
of
his
own
money
last
year
on
negative
ads?
You
ve
got
to
really
dislike
me
--
(laughter)
--
to
spend
that
kind
of
money.
I
mean,that
s
Oprah
money.
(Laughter.)
You
could
buy
an
island
and
call
it
“Nobama”
for
that
kind
of
money.
(Laughter.)
Sheldon
would
have
been
better
off
offering
me
$100
million
to
drop
out
of
the
race.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
I
probably
wouldn
t
have
taken
it,but
I
d
have
thought
about
it.
(Laughter.)
Michelle
would
have
taken
it.
(Laughter.)
You
think
I
m
joking?
(Laughter.)
I
know
Republicans
are
still
sorting
out
what
happened
in
2012,but
one
thing
they
all
agree
on
is
they
need
to
do
a
better
job
reaching
out
to
minorities.
And
look,call
me
self-centered,but
I
can
think
of
one
minority
they
could
start
with.
(Laughter.)
Hello?
Think
of
me
as
a
trial
run,you
know?
(Laughter.)
See
how
it
goes.
(Laughter.)
If
they
won
t
come
to
me,I
will
come
to
them.
Recently,I
had
dinner
--
it
s
been
well
publicized
--
I
had
dinner
with
a
number
of
the
Republican
senators.
And
I
ll
admit
it
wasn
t
easy.
I
proposed
a
toast
--
it
died
in
committee.
(Laughter.)
Of
course,even
after
I
ve
done
all
this,some
folks
still
don
t
think
I
spend
enough
time
with
Congress.
“Why
don
t
you
get
a
drink
with
Mitch
McConnell?“they
ask.
Really?
(Laughter.)
Why
don
t
you
get
a
drink
with
Mitch
McConnell?
(Laughter
and
applause.)
I
m
sorry.
I
get
frustrated
sometimes.
I
am
not
giving
up.
In
fact,I
m
taking
my
charm
offensive
on
the
road
--
a
Texas
barbeque
with
Ted
Cruz,a
Kentucky
bluegrass
concert
with
Rand
Paul,and
a
book-burning
with
Michele
Bachmann.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
My
charm
offensive
has
helped
me
learn
some
interesting
things
about
what
s
going
on
in
Congress
--
it
turns
out,absolutely
nothing.
(Laughter.)
But
the
point
of
my
charm
offensive
is
simple:
We
need
to
make
progress
on
some
important
issues.
Take
the
sequester.
Republicans
fell
in
love
with
this
thing,and
now
they
can
t
stop
talking
about
how
much
they
hate
it.
It
s
like
we
re
trapped
in
a
Taylor
Swift
album.
(Laughter.)
One
senator
who
has
reached
across
the
aisle
recently
is
Marco
Rubio,but
I
don
t
know
about
2016.
I
mean,the
guy
has
not
even
finished
a
single
term
in
the
Senate
and
he
thinks
he
s
ready
to
be
President.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
Kids
these
days.
I,on
the
other
hand,have
run
my
last
campaign.
On
Thursday,as
Ed
mentioned,I
went
to
the
opening
of
the
Bush
Presidential
Library
in
Dallas.
It
was
a
wonderful
event,and
that
inspired
me
to
get
started
on
my
own
legacy,which
will
actually
begin
by
building
another
edifice
right
next
to
the
Bush
Library
--
can
we
show
that,please?
(Laughter.)
I
m
also
hard
at
work
on
plans
for
the
Obama
Library.
And
some
have
suggested
that
we
put
it
in
my
birthplace,but
I
d
rather
keep
it
in
the
United
States.
(Laughter.)
Did
anybody
not
see
that
joke
coming?
(Laughter.)
Show
of
hands.
Only
Gallup?
Maybe
Dick
Morris?
(Laughter
and
applause.)
Now,speaking
of
presidents
and
their
legacies,I
want
to
acknowledge
a
wonderful
friend,Steven
Spielberg,and
Daniel
Day-Lewis,who
are
here
tonight.
(Applause.)
We
had
a
screening
of
their
most
recent
film,Lincoln,which
was
an
extraordinary
film.
I
am
a
little
nervous,though,about
Steven
s
next
project.
I
saw
a
behind-the-scenes
look
on
HBO
--
well,let
s
just
check
it
out.
Roll
the
tape.
(Video
is
shown.)
(Laughter
and
applause.)
It
s
a
remarkable
transformation.
Do
I
really
sound
like
that,though,honey?
(Laughter.)
Groucho
Marx
once
said
--
and,Senator
Cruz,that
s
Groucho
Marx,not
Karl.
That
s
the
other
guy.
(Laughter.)
Groucho
Marx
once
told
an
audience,“Before
I
speak,I
have
something
important
to
say.“(Laughter.)
And
along
those
same
lines,I
want
to
close
on
a
more
serious
note.
Obviously,there
has
been
no
shortage
of
news
to
cover
over
these
past
few
weeks.
And
these
have
been
some
very
hard
days
for
too
many
of
our
citizens.
Even
as
we
gather
here
tonight,our
thoughts
are
not
far
from
the
people
of
Boston
and
the
people
of
West,Texas.
There
are
families
in
the
Midwest
who
are
coping
with
some
terrible
floods.
So
we
ve
had
some
difficult
days.
But
even
when
the
days
seemed
darkest,we
have
seen
humanity
shine
at
its
brightest.
We
ve
seen
first
responders
and
National
Guardsmen
who
have
dashed
into
danger,law
enforcement
officers
who
lived
their
oath
to
serve
and
to
protect,and
everyday
Americans
who
are
opening
their
homes
and
their
hearts
to
perfect
strangers.
And
we
also
saw
journalists
at
their
best
--
especially
those
who
took
the
time
to
wade
upstream
through
the
torrent
of
digital
rumors
to
chase
down
leads
and
verify
facts
and
painstakingly
put
the
pieces
together
to
inform,and
to
educate,and
to
tell
stories
that
demanded
to
be
told.
If
anyone
wonders,for
example,whether
newspapers
are
a
thing
of
the
past,all
you
needed
to
do
was
to
pick
up
or
log
on
to
papers
like
the
Boston
Globe.
(Applause.)
When
their
communities
and
the
wider
world
needed
them
most,they
were
there
making
sense
of
events
that
might
at
first
blush
seem
beyond
our
comprehension.
And
that
s
what
great
journalism
is,and
that
s
what
great
journalists
do.
And
that
s
why,for
example,Pete
Williams
new
nickname
around
the
NBC
newsroom
is
“Big
Papi.“(Applause.)
And
in
these
past
few
weeks,as
I
ve
gotten
a
chance
to
meet
many
of
the
first
responders
and
the
police
officers
and
volunteers
who
raced
to
help
when
hardship
hits,I
was
reminded,as
I
m
always
reminded
when
I
meet
our
men
and
women
in
uniform,whether
they
re
in
war
theater,or
here
back
home,or
at
Walter
Reed
in
Bethesda
--
I
m
reminded
that
all
these
folks,they
don
t
do
it
to
be
honored,they
don
t
do
it
to
be
celebrated.
They
do
it
because
they
love
their
families
and
they
love
their
neighborhoods
and
they
love
their
country.
And
so,these
men
and
women
should
inspire
all
of
us
in
this
room
to
live
up
to
those
same
standards;
to
be
worthy
of
their
trust;
to
do
our
jobs
with
the
same
fidelity,and
the
same
integrity,and
the
same
sense
of
purpose,and
the
same
love
of
country.
Because
if
we
re
only
focused
on
profits
or
ratings
or
polls,then
we
re
contributing
to
the
cynicism
that
so
many
people
feel
right
now.
(Applause.)
And
so,those
of
us
in
this
room
tonight,we
are
incredibly
lucky.
And
the
fact
is,we
can
do
better
--
all
of
us.
Those
of
us
in
public
office,those
of
us
in
the
press,those
who
produce
entertainment
for
our
kids,those
with
power,those
with
influence
--
all
of
us,including
myself,we
can
strive
to
value
those
things
that
I
suspect
led
most
of
us
to
do
the
work
that
we
do
in
the
first
place
--
because
we
believed
in
something
that
was
true,and
we
believed
in
service,and
the
idea
that
we
can
have
a
lasting,positive
impact
on
the
lives
of
the
people
around
us.
And
that
s
our
obligation.
That
s
a
task
we
should
gladly
embrace
on
behalf
of
all
of
those
folks
who
are
counting
on
us;
on
behalf
of
this
country
that
s
given
us
so
much.
So
thank
you
all,to
the
White
House
Correspondents
for
the
great
work
you
do.
God
bless
you
all.
May
God
bless
the
United
States
of
America.
END
10:36
P.M.
EDT