《HR培训幽默材料》word版 本文关键词：幽默，材料，培训，HR，word
《HR培训幽默材料》word版 本文简介：天马行空官方博客：http://t.qq.com/tmxk_docin；QQ:1318241189；QQ群：175569632HR培训幽默材料HR在培训的时候,经常由于培训内容的枯燥和时间的过长,而无法吸引员工的注意力.在培训中偶尔使用下面的幽默,想必会增加你的培训效果.工作时间工头看到巴柯先生在车
《HR培训幽默材料》word版 本文内容：
天马行空官方博客：http://t.qq.com/tmxk_docin
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HR培训幽默材料
HR在培训的时候,经常由于培训内容的枯燥和时间的过长,而无法吸引员工的注意力.在培训中偶尔使用下面的幽默,想必会增加你的培训效果.
工作时间
工头看到巴柯先生在车间抽烟，非常生气。
“巴柯先生，工作时间你不能抽烟。”
“是的。当我抽烟时，我就停止工作。”
请假
亨利打电话给经理，称他患了喉炎，不能前去上班。
“如果你是患了喉炎。为什么在电话里说话声音还不轻一点，干嘛还要大喊大叫的？”经理不无怀疑地问。
“我说话声音为什么要轻一点？患喉炎又不是什么秘密。”
责任
编辑问一位想得到校对职务的人，他是否知道这一工作的重大。
“啊，是的，”这位申请者回答，“我知道，如果一旦您出了错，我
就该负责。”
兼
职
救
火
某人打电话给路灯管理所，说有一盏路灯坏了。“修理它不会很麻烦，”他说，“因为我只要一踢灯柱，灯就亮了。”
“很难确定什么时候派人去修理，”管理所职员回答，“但我可以奉告，如果你能每晚把灯踢亮，我们可以让你在管理所兼职，并免费提供一双皮鞋。”
特
长
约翰看了游泳池的招聘救生员的广告后前去报名，游泳池的
老板问约翰有何特长，约翰回答说：“游泳池深2．1米，我身高
2．17米。”
置若罔闻
年老的布朗先生的听力愈来愈差了，他走到经理面前踌躇地说：
“经理先生，我感到不久我就会被解雇，因为我知道我将再也
听不清楚顾客对我说些什么了。”
“胡说！我正要调你到意见台去。”经理说。
服务
“请把你们的经理找来！这猪排简直是天下最硬的东西了！”
“如果我们的经理来了，你立刻就会发现你的结论错了。”
财税
一个商人正在接见申请总会计师职位的人。他问每一个申请人：“200万加200万等于多少？”
头两个申请人毫不犹豫地答：“400万。”两人都没得到工作。
当问到第三个申请人时，他站了起来，把门关上，拉上了窗帘，然后靠在柜台上问：
“你想让它等于多少？”
他被录用了。
性价比
老托特辛勒对儿子解释经济的诀窍：“物以稀为贵。一匹好马是稀罕的，因此它很贵。”
“可是，”他的儿子反驳道，“一匹便宜的好马，比这更稀罕哩！”
偷
当食品店老板的丈夫对妻子说：“今天你不要再到隔壁米哈依先生开的副食店里去买东西。”
妻子不解地问：“那是为什么？亲爱的。”
丈夫说：“因为今天他从我这儿把秤借走了。”
坏的扔掉了
珍妮定购了12只鸡蛋，但送到家里时只有10只，于是她去找店的主人。
“先生，我早上定购的是12只呀？”
“不错。”食品店老板点点头。
“可你们只给了我10个！”
“噢，是这样的。那其中有2个坏的，我们替您扔掉了！”
帽子和皮鞋
一名顾客对帽店老板嚷道：“这么一顶帽子竟要70美元？
你是不是发疯了！用这些钱足可以买一双上等的皮靴。”
“您说的不错，先生。可我不明白，这上等的皮靴您怎么把它戴在头上呢？”
致富之道
四个美国商业巨头在巴黎度假，偶然相逢于俱乐部，大家无所不谈，相互同意谈出自己的缺点来。
甲：“我的缺点是嗜赌如命。”
乙：“酷爱杯中物是我的缺点。”
丙：“我放高利贷过分狠毒，将来我想做些慈善事业来抵偿。”
最后轮到丁发言，他犹疑不说，其他人说他不公平和不守诺言。他被迫说：“我的缺点是喜欢拔弄是非，我恨不得马上把你们刚才讲的话以传真传回纽约，让我的朋友赶快知道。”
年假
一名商务代理人由于风暴在亚违尔群岛耽搁了。他估计风暴几天内停不了，就给圣地亚哥的总公司发了电报：“因风暴耽搁，候示。”
他的老板复电：“您今年的假期从昨天算起。”
乱弹琴
一家房地产公司准备承办个项目，为此专门成立了一个筹建指挥部，负责人有两个，一人姓胡，一人姓夏，因后者点子多，故有参谋之称。一天市里领导来公司视察，有人就介绍，“这是胡指挥，那是夏参谋。“谁知一听介绍那领导的脸马上沉下来：“你们这里没人才了，嗯，一个是糊指挥、一个是瞎参谋，这种项目能搞好吗？简直是乱弹琴。“授权
有家企业经济效益很好，厂长与书记双双被上调，现任的厂长与书记关系一般，但由于各自心腹的作用，反而加深了误解与矛盾，两人个性又强，谁也不肯迁就谁，每人都充分使用自己的权利，双方的关系日益紧张起来。有一天开会，由于两人意见分歧很大，随着“战争“的升级，从谩骂要人身攻击，从人身攻击到“使用权利“，厂长对书记说“现在是厂长负责制，你也只是一个员工而已，我厂长有权作出决定，解除与你的劳动合同，开除你，明天你不要来上班了！“书记不甘示弱：“我是党委书记，党领导一切，你只是一个党员，我有权决定，开除你的党籍，明天起你就不要缴纳党费了！“关机
某日公司开会，聚聚一堂满屋子都是人。领导讲话“同志们，今天我们开个--““滴滴滴滴“BP机响起，有人忙着翻看，有人外出打电话，也有人拿着手机弯下腰在轻轻地通话。足足两分种才恢复宁静。领导无奈的摇摇头，清了清喉龙“同志们，今天我们开个--““滴滴滴滴““铃铃铃铃“BP机与手机声争先恐后地响了起来，又有人要外出、有人拿出手机。那领导脸一唬，口一张“都给我听着，各就各位坐好，把BP机和手机给我统统关机，要是谁的机子再响，我就处罚谁！“于是大家忙着关机，足足又化了两分种。这下，领导颇有点得意，干咳嗽一声，“同志们，今天我们开个--““滴滴滴滴“不知谁的BP机又响了起来，领导的威信似乎受到了严重的挑战，他一拍桌子“谁大胆放肆，是谁？“其火辣辣的眼光象探照灯般向每个人射过去。大家悄悄地检查一下自己的机子，有轻轻地摇摇头。看到没人敢承认，他火苗三丈，“真是无法无天了，还想骗我。“正当他想采取下一步措施时，“滴滴滴滴“声又起，大家一愣。有人说“领导，是你的BP机在响。“实践
小黄大学里学的是物理专业，毕业后经过努力被一家公司录用。上班第一天，公司安排他与一名司机一起到大卖场采购物质，回来途中车在一拐弯处陷在松土里，司机问小黄，如何把车拖出来。小黄自豪地说，想不到我第一天上班就用到我的专业知识。说完，就利索的计算起车辆自重及近百项产品的份量来，他一一叠加，并根据力学的原理，算出牵引力的大小、力臂、受力点等，他左算右算还是算不清磨擦系数的大小，真是百般烦恼，结果不打招呼就回家查资料去了，等他回来，车已不知去向，回到公司才知车早已回来，心想公司里肯定有力学方面的专家，否则怎么那么快就解决了问题。
有创意的囚徒
乔治在卢里塔尼银行干了10年，仍然还是个职员。他对这个职务不满意，想找个更好的职位，可是在找到新工作之前他又不想丢掉现在的
职位，于是他为自己写了一封信：信的上端用大写字母写道：“救命，
我是卢里塔尼银行的囚徒。”他把这信寄给几家大公司，请求给予工作。
几天后，其中的一封信送到银行的行长手里，有个人在俱乐部把信
交给了他，第二早上，银行行长请乔治到自己的办公室，对他说：“乔
治，我这儿有你的好消息，卢里塔尼银行释放了你。”
必备条件
约翰到某大公司求职，受到了经理的接待。
“你有什么特别喜欢做的工作？”
“如果可能，我愿意参加董事会。”
“你发疯了吗？”
“什么？发疯是作董事的必备条件吗？”
董事局决议
董事局会议开了一天，董事们围绕“所有员工在工作岗位不得饮酒”
议案，展开热烈争论。最后，还是通过了这个“禁酒令”。这时，董事们一起举杯祝贺这个英明决定。
人才难得
老板杰克到警察局报案：“有个流氓冒充我的推销员，在镇上赚了10万美元！这比我所有的雇员在客户身上赚到的钱还要多得多。你们一定要找到他！”
“我们会抓住他，把他关进监狱的！”
“关起来干什么？我要聘用他！”
突出的特征
一天，很多人来谋求某银行出纳员的职位，结果出人意料，银行经理竟雇用了一个斜眼、歪鼻、招风耳朵的丑八怪。有人问经理
为何作这种选择，经理微笑地答道：
“因为他有突出的面貌特征，如果他携款潜逃，我们极容易在通缉令上写明这点。”
职位空缺
经理：不，我们不能雇用你了，这里已经有许多工人了，他们的名字连我也登记不完？
求职者：那不是还缺一人？你就安排我这份工作：专门为你登记工人的名字。
录用标准
某酒店即将开业，正在招考工作人员。
考官：“如果你是门卫，将如何辨别进出人员？”
考生：“在酒店开业以前，我将盘问衣冠楚楚的人；酒店开业以后，我将盘问衣衫褴褛的人。”
考官：“OK！如果你是公关小姐，将如何向你所接待的领导汇报工作？”
考生：“若是精明能干的领导，我会将成绩缩小10％汇报，留有余地；若是不懂业务的糊涂领导，我会将成绩夸大10％汇报。”
她被录用了。
工
资
一位企业界巨头正在大吹自己成功的秘密。“我始终坚持这一理论：工资是工作中最无足轻重的部分。”他说，“全心全意地工作，把你的才能发挥到极点带来的快乐远比金钱大。”
“你在向自己证实了这一理论之后就发财了吗？”记者问。
“不，在向为我工作的人们证实这一理论之后我就发财了。”
厌倦有价
一个山区小部落的人编得一手好草席，在全国市场上可以卖很高的价。于是，一家美国公司的代表前往该部落，试图做一笔交易。他对部落首领声称，他的公司愿意订购几千条草席。
经过慎重考虑，部落首领意外地宣布，大量订购的每条草席的单价要比少量订购的单价高。
“为什么？”美国人问。
“因为反复做同样一件东西是很令人厌倦的。”部落首领回答道。
合同风险
老板：“积压200条夏季男裤，我该怎么办？”
代理人：“寄到外省去。”
老板：“那里现在也不会有人买。”
代理人：“不至于，只要包装得好。我们给顾主们寄10条一包的样品，发货单上写8条，假装我们搞错了，但价格仍按10条算。这样一来，顾主就会高兴，以为占了我们便宜，就会把货留下。”
老板觉得这个主意很妙，货包和发货单寄出去了……三天后，老板对代理人大声吼道：
“蠢货，你瞧，你可把我们给坑了！没有一个顾主把货留下的，而且只给我们退回来8条裤子！”
滞销
一天，一位女士走进一家帽子商店。老板微笑着说：“早安，夫人。”
“早安，”那位女士回答道，“你们橱窗里有一顶镶有红花蓝叶的帽子。请你把那顶帽
子从窗子里拿出来。”
老板说：“好的，夫人。我很愿意为您效劳。”女士们通常总要先看许多帽子，然后才
选定一顶，弄得老板疲于应付。“好，”他想道，“我一定要很快地把这顶帽子卖掉——它
在橱窗里放了很长时间了。”
“夫人，您希望把帽子放在盒子里还是戴着走？”他问道。
“啊，我不想买，我只希望你把那帽子从橱窗里拿出来。
我每天都经过你的商店，我不喜欢看见那里放着丑陋的东西。”
经营有方
几乎没什么人到白玫瑰餐厅吃饭，老板不知如何是好。餐厅里的饭菜物价廉，可是好像没有人愿意来吃。后来他采取了措施把情况改变了，几个星期以来他的餐厅总是挤满了先生们和他们的女友。每当一位先生带着一位女士进来，侍者就给他们每人一份印刷精美的菜单。两份菜单外表看来完全一样，但内容却大不相同。侍者给男人的那份菜单上是每份菜、每瓶啤酒的正常价格，而他给女士们的那份菜单上的价格要高得多！所以当男人从容地点了一份又一份菜，要了一种又一种酒的时候，女士会觉得他比实际上要慷慨得多！
请
假
一职员已两天没上班了，当他第三天来到公司时，老板抱怨说：“你这两天干什么去了？”
职员答道：“我不小心从三楼窗口跌到大街上了。”
老板气冲冲责问：“从三楼跌下去要两天吗？”
权利斗争
甲与乙是两个最有竞争副厂长的最佳人员，两人明争暗斗各使伎俩。甲为现示好，对乙最近一次捐款50元，专门通过朋友写了篇通讯稿，故意让人把50元写成50万元，结果乙家数次遭到小偷的光顾，结果还遭到小偷的羞辱，这件事被乙知道后，乙报复甲，在一次宴会上，乙主动通知服务员把甲的白酒换成白开水，甲感激不尽，认为乙“大人不记小人过“，结果频频举杯敬酒，结果第二天甲严重虚脱、体乏无力，原来乙还对服务员说了一句话“他身体不好，开水里多放些药（泻药）。“两件事一传开，谁也没有当副厂长。
应试妙答
一应聘者接受招聘者的面谈，部分对话节录如下：
招聘者：“你以前是销售什么的？“应聘者：“销售我自己。“招聘者：“业绩如何？“应聘者：“天知、地知、我知、就是你不知。“招聘者：“你为何要跳槽？“应聘者：“不跳的人是一样的，跳槽的人理由各不一样的。“招聘者：“那你为何选中我们我们公司呢？“应聘者：“那你们公司为何要招聘呢？“招聘者：“有缘。“应聘者：“是呀，真是相见恨晚，明天我能否上班？“评选
某公司每到年底，按惯例就要进行评选优秀员工的活动。某月某日所有员工集中在会议室里，领导先把评选的作用、意义、评选方法等足足讲了一个小时，员工们聊天的聊天、嘻闹的嘻闹，但当领导一宣布评选开始，骤然鸦雀无声。突然，小陈站起来略带调侃地说“我们领导很不错，你就应该是优秀员工呀。“顿时大家哄堂大笑，领导摆摆手，“我不行的，我是领导怎么能被评为优秀员工呢？我倒觉得小陈很符合优秀员工的标准，譬如……你们看怎么样？“员工们都笑嘻嘻地附和“好，好“，不知谁冒了句“不就是两个名额吗？可以散会了“整个评选过程只有两分钟。于是大家离开了会议室，不少的员工颜色不太好看，据说当晚那领导与小陈相约在餐馆里喝酒喝得很晚很晚。
严禁请假通知书
各位同仁：
经公司领导研究决定，对有关请假事宜作如下规定：
1、
上班期时间绝不允许上厕所解手与洗手，因为解手与洗手纯属个人内循环畅通与卫生问题，与公司无关。
2、
不允许请丧假，亲人去世固然可惜，但人死不能复生，绝没必要；
3、
不允许请病假，公司需要的是完整的员工，身体零件的缺失磨损，应在工作时间以外整修；
4、
不允许请探亲假，若是有情长久时，又岂在朝朝暮暮，无此需要；
5、
不允许请婚假，现在离婚率很高，结了再离还不如不结。
6、
不允许请事假，公司的利益高于员工利益，个人应服从组织。
7、
星期天不允许休息，星期天不是休息天，劳动光荣、休息浪费光荣；
8、
不允许请孕假，为培养下一代爱劳动的习惯；
9、
不允许请产假，男女平等，男子不休息，女子也应向男子学习；
10、
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奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声 本文内容：
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Remarks
by
The
President
at
The
White
House
Correspondents
Association
Dinner
英语演讲稿：
Washington
Hilton
Hotel,Washington,D.C.
10:14
P.M.
EDT
THE
PRESIDENT:
Thank
you.
(Applause.)
Thank
you,everybody.
(Laughter.)
How
do
you
like
my
new
entrance
music?
(Applause.)
Rush
Limbaugh
warned
you
about
this
--
second
term,baby.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
We
re
changing
things
around
here
a
little
bit.
(Laughter.)
Actually,my
advisors
were
a
little
worried
about
the
new
rap
entrance
music.
(Laughter.)
They
are
a
little
more
traditional.
They
suggested
that
I
should
start
with
some
jokes
at
my
own
expense,just
take
myself
down
a
peg.
I
was
like,guys,after
four
and
a
half
years,how
many
pegs
are
there
left?
(Laughter.)
I
want
to
thank
the
White
House
Correspondents.
Ed,you
re
doing
an
outstanding
job.
We
are
grateful
for
--
(applause)
--
the
great
work
you
ve
done.
To
all
the
dignitaries
who
are
here,everybody
on
the
dais
--
I
especially
want
to
say
thank
you
to
Ray
Odierno,who
does
outstanding
service
on
behalf
of
our
country,and
all
our
men
and
women
in
uniform
every
single
day.
(Applause.)
And
of
course,our
extraordinary
First
Lady,Michelle
Obama.
(Applause.)
Everybody
loves
Michelle.
(Laughter.)
She
s
on
the
cover
of
Vogue,high
poll
numbers.
But
don
t
worry
--
I
recently
got
my
own
magazine
cover.
(Laughter.)
Now,look,I
get
it.
These
days,I
look
in
the
mirror
and
I
have
to
admit,I
m
not
the
strapping
young
Muslim
socialist
that
I
used
to
be.
(Laughter.)
Time
passes.
You
get
a
little
gray.
(Laughter.)
And
yet,even
after
all
this
time,I
still
make
rookie
mistakes.
Like,I
m
out
in
California,we
re
at
a
fundraiser,we
re
having
a
nice
time.
I
happen
to
mention
that
Kamala
Harris
is
the
best-looking
attorney
general
in
the
country.
(Laughter.)
As
you
might
imagine,I
got
trouble
when
I
got
back
home.
(Laughter.)
Who
knew
Eric
Holder
was
so
sensitive?
(Laughter
and
applause.)
And
then
there
s
the
Easter
Egg
Roll,which
is
supposed
to
be
just
a
nice,fun
event
with
the
kids.
I
go
out
on
the
basketball
court,took
22
shots
--
made
two
of
them.
(Laughter.)
That
s
right:
two
hits,20
misses.
The
executives
at
NBC
asked,“What
s
your
secret?”
(Laughter
and
applause.)
So,yes,maybe
I
have
lost
a
step.
But
some
things
are
beyond
my
control.
For
example,this
whole
controversy
about
Jaz-Z
going
to
Cuba
--
it
s
unbelievable.
I
ve
got
99
problems
and
now
Jay-Z
is
one.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
That
s
another
rap
reference,Bill.
(Laughter.)
I
ll
let
you
know.
(Applause.)
Of
course,everybody
has
got
plenty
of
advice.
Maureen
Dowd
said
I
could
solve
all
my
problems
if
I
were
just
more
like
Michael
Douglas
in
“The
American
President.”
(Laughter.)
And
I
know
Michael
is
here
tonight.
Michael,what
s
your
secret,man?
(Laughter.)
Could
it
be
that
you
were
an
actor
in
an
Aaron
Sorkin
liberal
fantasy?
(Laughter.)
Might
that
have
something
to
do
with
it?
(Applause.)
I
don
t
know.
Check
in
with
me.
Maybe
it
s
something
else.
(Laughter.)
Anyway,I
recognize
that
this
job
can
take
a
toll
on
you.
I
understand
--
second
term,you
need
a
burst
of
new
energy,try
some
new
things.
And
my
team
and
I
talked
about
it.
We
were
willing
to
try
anything.
So
we
borrowed
one
of
Michelle
s
tricks.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
I
thought
this
looked
pretty
good,but
no
bounce.
(Laughter.)
I
want
to
give
a
shout-out
to
our
headliner,Conan
O
Brien.
(Applause.)
I
was
just
talking
to
Ed,and
I
understand
that
when
the
Correspondents
Association
was
considering
Conan
for
this
gig,they
were
faced
with
that
age-old
dilemma:
Do
you
offer
it
to
him
now,or
wait
for
five
years
and
then
give
it
to
Jimmy
Fallon?
(Laughter.)
That
was
a
little
harsh.
(Laughter.)
I
love
Conan.
And
of
course,the
White
House
press
corps
is
here.
I
know
CNN
has
taken
some
knocks
lately,but
the
fact
is
I
admire
their
commitment
to
cover
all
sides
of
a
story,just
in
case
one
of
them
happens
to
be
accurate.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
Some
of
my
former
advisors
have
switched
over
to
the
dark
side.
For
example,David
Axelrod
now
works
for
MSNBC,which
is
a
nice
change
of
pace
since
MSNBC
used
to
work
for
David
Axelrod.
(Laughter.)
The
History
Channel
is
not
here.
I
guess
they
were
embarrassed
about
the
whole
Obama-is-a-devil
thing.
(Laughter.)
Of
course,that
never
kept
Fox
News
from
showing
up.
(Laughter.)
They
actually
thought
the
comparison
was
not
fair
--
to
Satan.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
But
the
problem
is,is
that
the
media
landscape
is
changing
so
rapidly.
You
can
t
keep
up
with
it.
I
mean,I
remember
when
BuzzFeed
was
just
something
I
did
in
college
around
2:00
a.m.
(Laughter.)
It
s
true.
(Laughter.)
Recently,though,I
found
a
new
favorite
source
for
political
news
--
these
guys
are
great.
I
think
everybody
here
should
check
it
out,they
tell
it
like
it
is.
It
s
called
whitehouse.gov.
(Laughter.)
I
cannot
get
enough
of
it.
The
fact
is
I
really
do
respect
the
press.
I
recognize
that
the
press
and
I
have
different
jobs
to
do.
My
job
is
to
be
President;
your
job
is
to
keep
me
humble.
Frankly,I
think
I
m
doing
my
job
better.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
But
part
of
the
problem
is
everybody
is
so
cynical.
I
mean,we
re
constantly
feeding
cynicism,suspicion,conspiracies.
You
remember
a
few
months
ago,my
administration
put
out
a
photograph
of
me
going
skeet
shooting
at
Camp
David?
You
remember
that?
And
quite
a
number
of
people
insisted
that
this
had
been
photoshopped.
But
tonight
I
have
something
to
confess:
You
were
right.
Guys,can
we
show
them
the
actual
photo?
(Laughter.)
We
were
just
trying
to
tone
it
down
a
little
bit.
(Laughter.)
That
was
an
awesome
day.
(Laughter.)
There
are
other
new
players
in
the
media
landscape
as
well,like
super
PACs.
Did
you
know
that
Sheldon
Adelson
spent
$100
million
of
his
own
money
last
year
on
negative
ads?
You
ve
got
to
really
dislike
me
--
(laughter)
--
to
spend
that
kind
of
money.
I
mean,that
s
Oprah
money.
(Laughter.)
You
could
buy
an
island
and
call
it
“Nobama”
for
that
kind
of
money.
(Laughter.)
Sheldon
would
have
been
better
off
offering
me
$100
million
to
drop
out
of
the
race.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
I
probably
wouldn
t
have
taken
it,but
I
d
have
thought
about
it.
(Laughter.)
Michelle
would
have
taken
it.
(Laughter.)
You
think
I
m
joking?
(Laughter.)
I
know
Republicans
are
still
sorting
out
what
happened
in
2012,but
one
thing
they
all
agree
on
is
they
need
to
do
a
better
job
reaching
out
to
minorities.
And
look,call
me
self-centered,but
I
can
think
of
one
minority
they
could
start
with.
(Laughter.)
Hello?
Think
of
me
as
a
trial
run,you
know?
(Laughter.)
See
how
it
goes.
(Laughter.)
If
they
won
t
come
to
me,I
will
come
to
them.
Recently,I
had
dinner
--
it
s
been
well
publicized
--
I
had
dinner
with
a
number
of
the
Republican
senators.
And
I
ll
admit
it
wasn
t
easy.
I
proposed
a
toast
--
it
died
in
committee.
(Laughter.)
Of
course,even
after
I
ve
done
all
this,some
folks
still
don
t
think
I
spend
enough
time
with
Congress.
“Why
don
t
you
get
a
drink
with
Mitch
McConnell?“they
ask.
Really?
(Laughter.)
Why
don
t
you
get
a
drink
with
Mitch
McConnell?
(Laughter
and
applause.)
I
m
sorry.
I
get
frustrated
sometimes.
I
am
not
giving
up.
In
fact,I
m
taking
my
charm
offensive
on
the
road
--
a
Texas
barbeque
with
Ted
Cruz,a
Kentucky
bluegrass
concert
with
Rand
Paul,and
a
book-burning
with
Michele
Bachmann.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
My
charm
offensive
has
helped
me
learn
some
interesting
things
about
what
s
going
on
in
Congress
--
it
turns
out,absolutely
nothing.
(Laughter.)
But
the
point
of
my
charm
offensive
is
simple:
We
need
to
make
progress
on
some
important
issues.
Take
the
sequester.
Republicans
fell
in
love
with
this
thing,and
now
they
can
t
stop
talking
about
how
much
they
hate
it.
It
s
like
we
re
trapped
in
a
Taylor
Swift
album.
(Laughter.)
One
senator
who
has
reached
across
the
aisle
recently
is
Marco
Rubio,but
I
don
t
know
about
2016.
I
mean,the
guy
has
not
even
finished
a
single
term
in
the
Senate
and
he
thinks
he
s
ready
to
be
President.
(Laughter
and
applause.)
Kids
these
days.
I,on
the
other
hand,have
run
my
last
campaign.
On
Thursday,as
Ed
mentioned,I
went
to
the
opening
of
the
Bush
Presidential
Library
in
Dallas.
It
was
a
wonderful
event,and
that
inspired
me
to
get
started
on
my
own
legacy,which
will
actually
begin
by
building
another
edifice
right
next
to
the
Bush
Library
--
can
we
show
that,please?
(Laughter.)
I
m
also
hard
at
work
on
plans
for
the
Obama
Library.
And
some
have
suggested
that
we
put
it
in
my
birthplace,but
I
d
rather
keep
it
in
the
United
States.
(Laughter.)
Did
anybody
not
see
that
joke
coming?
(Laughter.)
Show
of
hands.
Only
Gallup?
Maybe
Dick
Morris?
(Laughter
and
applause.)
Now,speaking
of
presidents
and
their
legacies,I
want
to
acknowledge
a
wonderful
friend,Steven
Spielberg,and
Daniel
Day-Lewis,who
are
here
tonight.
(Applause.)
We
had
a
screening
of
their
most
recent
film,Lincoln,which
was
an
extraordinary
film.
I
am
a
little
nervous,though,about
Steven
s
next
project.
I
saw
a
behind-the-scenes
look
on
HBO
--
well,let
s
just
check
it
out.
Roll
the
tape.
(Video
is
shown.)
(Laughter
and
applause.)
It
s
a
remarkable
transformation.
Do
I
really
sound
like
that,though,honey?
(Laughter.)
Groucho
Marx
once
said
--
and,Senator
Cruz,that
s
Groucho
Marx,not
Karl.
That
s
the
other
guy.
(Laughter.)
Groucho
Marx
once
told
an
audience,“Before
I
speak,I
have
something
important
to
say.“(Laughter.)
And
along
those
same
lines,I
want
to
close
on
a
more
serious
note.
Obviously,there
has
been
no
shortage
of
news
to
cover
over
these
past
few
weeks.
And
these
have
been
some
very
hard
days
for
too
many
of
our
citizens.
Even
as
we
gather
here
tonight,our
thoughts
are
not
far
from
the
people
of
Boston
and
the
people
of
West,Texas.
There
are
families
in
the
Midwest
who
are
coping
with
some
terrible
floods.
So
we
ve
had
some
difficult
days.
But
even
when
the
days
seemed
darkest,we
have
seen
humanity
shine
at
its
brightest.
We
ve
seen
first
responders
and
National
Guardsmen
who
have
dashed
into
danger,law
enforcement
officers
who
lived
their
oath
to
serve
and
to
protect,and
everyday
Americans
who
are
opening
their
homes
and
their
hearts
to
perfect
strangers.
And
we
also
saw
journalists
at
their
best
--
especially
those
who
took
the
time
to
wade
upstream
through
the
torrent
of
digital
rumors
to
chase
down
leads
and
verify
facts
and
painstakingly
put
the
pieces
together
to
inform,and
to
educate,and
to
tell
stories
that
demanded
to
be
told.
If
anyone
wonders,for
example,whether
newspapers
are
a
thing
of
the
past,all
you
needed
to
do
was
to
pick
up
or
log
on
to
papers
like
the
Boston
Globe.
(Applause.)
When
their
communities
and
the
wider
world
needed
them
most,they
were
there
making
sense
of
events
that
might
at
first
blush
seem
beyond
our
comprehension.
And
that
s
what
great
journalism
is,and
that
s
what
great
journalists
do.
And
that
s
why,for
example,Pete
Williams
new
nickname
around
the
NBC
newsroom
is
“Big
Papi.“(Applause.)
And
in
these
past
few
weeks,as
I
ve
gotten
a
chance
to
meet
many
of
the
first
responders
and
the
police
officers
and
volunteers
who
raced
to
help
when
hardship
hits,I
was
reminded,as
I
m
always
reminded
when
I
meet
our
men
and
women
in
uniform,whether
they
re
in
war
theater,or
here
back
home,or
at
Walter
Reed
in
Bethesda
--
I
m
reminded
that
all
these
folks,they
don
t
do
it
to
be
honored,they
don
t
do
it
to
be
celebrated.
They
do
it
because
they
love
their
families
and
they
love
their
neighborhoods
and
they
love
their
country.
And
so,these
men
and
women
should
inspire
all
of
us
in
this
room
to
live
up
to
those
same
standards;
to
be
worthy
of
their
trust;
to
do
our
jobs
with
the
same
fidelity,and
the
same
integrity,and
the
same
sense
of
purpose,and
the
same
love
of
country.
Because
if
we
re
only
focused
on
profits
or
ratings
or
polls,then
we
re
contributing
to
the
cynicism
that
so
many
people
feel
right
now.
(Applause.)
And
so,those
of
us
in
this
room
tonight,we
are
incredibly
lucky.
And
the
fact
is,we
can
do
better
--
all
of
us.
Those
of
us
in
public
office,those
of
us
in
the
press,those
who
produce
entertainment
for
our
kids,those
with
power,those
with
influence
--
all
of
us,including
myself,we
can
strive
to
value
those
things
that
I
suspect
led
most
of
us
to
do
the
work
that
we
do
in
the
first
place
--
because
we
believed
in
something
that
was
true,and
we
believed
in
service,and
the
idea
that
we
can
have
a
lasting,positive
impact
on
the
lives
of
the
people
around
us.
And
that
s
our
obligation.
That
s
a
task
we
should
gladly
embrace
on
behalf
of
all
of
those
folks
who
are
counting
on
us;
on
behalf
of
this
country
that
s
given
us
so
much.
So
thank
you
all,to
the
White
House
Correspondents
for
the
great
work
you
do.
God
bless
you
all.
May
God
bless
the
United
States
of
America.
END
10:36
P.M.
EDT
篇3：2020年会幽默主持词
20XX年会幽默主持词 本文关键词：年会，主持词，幽默，XX
20XX年会幽默主持词 本文简介：20XX年会幽默主持词周：有请以上优秀员工上场，同时也请我们的礼仪小姐准备好优秀员工的荣誉证书。接下来，请朱总为获得20XX年度的优秀员工颁发荣誉证书，有请朱总。(临场发挥)邱：听了这么多的感谢，我想用两个字来概括它，那就是“感恩”。周：说到“感恩”，我想起了一首歌。合：《感恩的心》邱：那就让我们一
20XX年会幽默主持词 本文内容：
20XX年会幽默主持词
周：有请以上优秀员工上场，同时也请我们的礼仪小姐准备好优秀员工的荣誉证书。接下来，请朱总为获得20XX年度的优秀员工颁发荣誉证书，有请朱总。(临场发挥)
邱：听了这么多的感谢，我想用两个字来概括它，那就是“感恩”。
周：说到“感恩”，我想起了一首歌。
合：《感恩的心》
邱：那就让我们一起唱起这首歌，把它送给所有我们要感恩的人。
《感恩的心》歌词：
我来自偶然像一颗尘土/有谁看出我的脆弱/我来自何方我情归何处/谁在下一刻呼唤我
天地虽宽这条路却难走/我看遍这人间坎坷辛苦/我还有多少爱我还有多少泪/要苍天知道我不认输
感恩的心感谢有你/伴我一生让我有勇气作我自己/感恩的心感谢命运/花开花落我一样会珍惜
周：真的很让人感动，我想我们都应怀着一颗感恩的心去感谢过去的一年中帮助我们茁壮成长的朋友。同时，我们还要积蓄更多的力量在新的一年里共同努力，共创美好的明天。
邱：谢谢我们的优秀员工们，愿我们所有的员工在新的一年里都能再接再厉，获得更好的成绩。我们的晚宴马上就要开始了，现在就请上我们的朱总为我们开席祝酒。
中间暂停10分钟。
邱：各位来宾、各位同仁。今晚除了游戏呢，还有礼品丰厚的抽奖活动，现在有请×××上台为我们抽出今天的五等奖。(羽毛球、乒乓球拍各十个。共二十名，分四次抽，每次五名，共10分钟;供应商抽取并颁奖)
(临场发挥)
周：恭喜我们的中奖人员，没中奖的也别灰心，好戏在后头哦!小丘，你说如果把一句话反过来说会怎样呢?
邱：嗯，意思会反了吧?
周：那可不定，接下来你就会知道了。我们的第二个游戏就叫正话反说
邱：游戏规则是由每队派出一名队员，参加人员需将主持人说出的词句在5秒钟内反过来说一遍，每回答一题句子长度增加一字，最后回答出来的题目字数即为当队得分，以此类推。例如：主持人说“我是好人”，参加人员需回答“人好是我”
游戏结束，若出现多个最低分，进行pk，输的一队需抽取处罚题，并进行表演。
周：好，游戏结束了，每队的成果也出来了，让我们一起来看看各队的得分情况。
邱：报分数
周：恭喜分数多的一队，分数少的也别气妥，下面还有好多游戏等着你们呢，我们下一局加油哦!
邱：接下来呢，又到了我们的抽奖时间了，这次要抽出的是四等奖
周：有请供应商xx上台为我们抽取四等奖。(电磁炉共15名，分两次抽取，每次五名，共7分钟;
供应商抽取并颁奖)